Acknowledging the differences between a biological family and a stepfamily is the first step in facing reality and building a truly happy family.
The Biological Family:
- Related by blood, created by marriage, often followed by a baby.
- Discipline evolves and form & norms are consistent.
- Parents' ways are predictable to the child.
- Parents back each other up.
- Parents demand respect for the other parent.
- Child wants to please both.
- Child is bonded to both partners.
- Family members' reactions are predictable.
- Ugly fairy tales do not exist.
- Competition is generally healthy.
The Stepfamily:
- Related by marriage or living together. Formed out of first family break up and created out of the loss of the first family.
- Little or no time for development of forms and norms and often no organized plan to make them.
- Different backgrounds, ways of being and seeing the world can cause conflict.
- "Who comes first--me or your child?" The new partner implores.
- Partners DO NOT generally agree on discipline and expected behaviors.
- The biological parent may side with the child over the partner.
- The child often wants the stepparent to disappear
- Unexpected reactions that jolt are normal.
- Expectations turn out to be unreal and ugly fairy tales prevail.
- Competition for attention can be dangerous to survival.
| Just as it is clear that a stepfamily does not become a "real" family by calling it something other than step, the word should not be considered negative--it's just the plain truth! It's a description, not a bad name. After my stepson and I had lived together for a couple of years we used the term playfully. When telling a person outside our family a story about Nick, I would refer to him as "the evil stepson" with a wink. I was never his mother, I was his stepmother and that was a fact of life! Cinderella probably did a lot of damage to the image of stepmother, among other myths and misunderstandings that surround step relationships. |
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