Before I had kids, I didn’t even know there was a 4 in the morning. Oh, I KNEW there was a 4 in the afternoon, and I’d HEARD of a 6 in the morning, but getting up that early was for the birds. And the dumb birds at that. After having kids, I realized I’d either have to get up earlier in the day to get things done or I’d have to lobby Washington to add a few extra hours to the day. Both seemed like a lot of work, but the whole Washington thing sounded like major travel time was involved, and I already spend several hours in my trusty soccer-mom van acting as a personal driver. So 4 AM it was, just so I can get a good workout in each day.

 

     So the alarm is set for 4 AM, so I can get a few household tasks done, fix breakfast and pack lunches for the day and head down to The Body Shop, the gym I belong to. Thank goodness for The Body Shop. I hate sweating, hate working out my muscles, hate getting out of breath. But at least there I get to do all those things without focusing on them. I can take a class full of other moms who hated getting up as early as me (misery loves company) or strength train while listening to commercial-free music, or hop on a treadmill with its own personal TV set on it.

 

     The treadmill with the TV on it is my favorite. It’s about the only time I watch non-Discovery Channel TV. I can watch all the junk TV I want for 45 minutes and no one is the wiser! I could watch infomercials (I really want one of those Conair Steam Straighteners and I have a birthday coming up in August-hint, hint) or Snapped! (you know to get hints in case the hubby ever really steps out of line) or if I REALLY want to lose a few brain cells I could switch the channel to MTV and watch re-runs of America’s Next Top Model. Either way, next thing I know I’ve spent 45 minutes running uphill and didn’t even realize it. There’s nothing like being oblivious to pain.

 

     My kids are 12 and 15, so they don’t get to enjoy the free childcare at The Body Shop. But if it weren’t so creepy, I could tune in to channel 114 and watch the little ones in the day care while I work out on the treadmill. This is great for moms with little kids, but my kids just sit at the front desk sipping protein shakes and playing with their Gameboys. Laurie, the general manager, is okay with that as long as they don’t fight. She suggested that if they are going to fight, they may as well take the kickboxing class. Since the kickbxsing class requires real effort, that comment ended their personal warfare. Wow, Laurie should be a high school teacher!

 

     Let’s face it, as we get older we have to work out a little bit harder. I’m not trying to become a size 2, I’m fighting to STAY a size 10. Not because I want to keep my husband from running off with a 19 year old (that’s why I watch Snapped!). Not because I want to wear those cute miniskirts (my fifteen year-old would pass out and die!) but because I want to be around as long as I possibly can and actually enjoy life...

     When my alarm went off at 4 AM this morning I once again looked at it with one eye as if to say, really? It’s 4? In the AM? But I got up. After all, those infomercials aren’t gonna watch themselves!

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  A blur of fur and fury is all that I saw and I couldn't help but wonder, "Can dogs be bipolar?"

Not that I am in the habit of making light of serious medical conditions, but bipolar is characterized not as a single disorder but an entire category of mood disorders. Anyone who has ever been owned by a cat could tell you that this is the very definition of a feline.

However, I had always thought of loyal Fido as being slightly more stable. That is until last month.

Succumbing to the mind-numbing pressure of parental guilt, I opened my house and heart to the sweetest set of brown eyes you ever saw. Two-years old and of mostly Labrador retriever heritage, Biscuit spends the majority of her day camouflaged as a speed bump. Her pale fur blends nicely with ourcarpet - a real plus for the maid. Yes, that means Mom.

Now there were no big surprises as our new pup negotiated territory and her place in the pecking order against the stone-cold killer cat that also shares our domicile. A quick study, Biscuit is wary of those well-armed swipes of pure evil.

In true testament to her manic species, Milkshake can purr contentedly, bat her bedroom eyes, and draw blood - all at the same time. Worse, like a spider, she'll draw in unsuspecting victims with a simpering little meow and friendly cocked head...right before pouncing.

I've considered posting one of those signs at my door that reads, "Warning Attack Cat on Premises."

It's probably no wonder that I prefer to play with my daughter's Webkinz kitten. Fast becoming my number one guilty pleasure, these fuzzy stuffed toys are your ticket inside a magical world of internet games, chat rooms, and dress-ups. An award-winning computer program for children, I must confess its appeal works on big kids too.

My princess has amassed a collection of four pets; my son lags behind with only three. Each child has built their own cyberspace house, furnished with toys, appliances, clothing, food, even windows and gardens - all selected and purchased with points acquired by playing on-line games. I remind myself that my little darlings are learning valuable skills like budgeting, math, and reading. But of course, as a fellow addict - I know it's all about having fun.

If only bathing, feeding, and exercising my real pets were so easy. And don't even get me started on vet visits!

Luckily Biscuit arrived with a clean bill of health, though her behavior of late has left me thumbing the yellow pages for a doggy shrink.

An absolute angel while houseguests are seated, Biscuit's latent herding instinct kicks in as soon as anyone walks or stands. Forgetting all her good hostess manners, she'll growl, pace, and even on occasion nip at the offending ‘wolf.'

Though after years of sustained chronic fear of our predatory cat, most of my guests are fairly nonplussed to find I've also adopted a bipolar dog.

Maybe I should rethink that entrance warning sign, remove my Welcome wreath, and look to Dante for inspiration: "All hope abandon, ye who enter here."

Laura Douglass writes for the Seven Lakes Times where this column originally appeared.

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It seems from the moment I got pregnant with our first child almost 8 years ago, I have officially given up a good night's sleep. From the constant shifting all night and 3 am heartburn that came with pregnancy to the 2 am feedings and diaper changes that came after birth, I dreamed of the day when I would finally be able to sleep again.

But for some reason, sleep has never returned. Since birth, our oldest daughter has woken up several times a week and is just now making it through the night (she's 7!). Then, like most parents, we decide to have baby number two (back in 2003) and although she has turned out to be a much better sleeper, we still have the occasional 4 am wake-up call because of a bad dream.

I thought that as my kids got older, things would be easier to manage and that I would finally get the well deserved rest I needed. But once again, I was wrong. It seems that as they get bigger so do all the things I have to do, from homework to laundry to extra-curricular activities. Now, I find that from the time my feet hit the floor at 6:30 am (Okay 6:45 because I hit the snooze), I'm running around like a mad woman until I crawl back in bed each night close to mid-night. So much for getting my recommended 8 hours of sleep! And unlike the good ole days of sleeping in on Saturdays, I'm waking up early to drag the four year old at of bed to make her 9 am Soccer Games!

And of course some of this I have brought on myself when I decided to venture into self-employment and co-manage SandhillsKids.com. Like most moms, the only time of day that isn't consumed with house, kids, sports, dogs, husband and chores, are the hours between 8:30 pm and midnight. Just like many of the users on SandhillsKid.com, that's when I jump on the superhighway and work. Anyone that has ever emailed the site has probably received a reply with a time stamp after 10 pm. 

What does this all mean? Should I quite working, stop letting the kids do sports or start taking naps in the morning instead of doing laundry (which I would love because I hate laundry). Nope, it just means that right now life is busy and sometimes, I need to stop, grab a good book and climb into bed by 8 pm! That's all.

And, hopefully, when both kids are in school all day starting in July, I will finally have time to work during the day and get back to sleep. But until then, Sleep is Overrated and Caffeine is the stimulus of choice! 

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It seems that every "mom" website you go to or news about families is always focused on how we as women can be better mothers to our children and more efficient. I recently saw an article on MSN.com title "50 tips to for moms" dedicated to keeping us moms more organized and better at managing our families. Somehow, we as moms have bought into this idea that we aren't good enough as we are and we somehow need to improve ourselves in order to be quality parents.

For many years, I bought into the hype surrounding motherhood. I read books on how to be a "good" mom, join the "best" mom groups and watch parenting experts on TV all in an effort to be the "perfect" mom. Instead of being supermom, I was the just "good enough" mom who was slightly overweight, frazzled and usually sleep deprived. What I soon realized was that I was a "normal" mom and the "perfect" mom for my family with all of my quirks and flaws.

As a result of this new found realization, I gave up reading parenting books and comparing myself to other moms. I stopped trying to find ways to be the "best" and accepted "good enough". What I have learned is that even those "perfect" moms have their flaws they just may not be as obvious as some of mine.

But most of all, I gave up "MOM GUILT". I made a conscious decision to no longer feel bad about myself as a parent or for taking time to sometimes step away from being just mom and enjoy being "Rollie" for awhile. And this year, I took it a step further and decided to live a Year Without Guilt.

So what does that mean? Well, simply put, I will not allow Guilt to be my guide in 2008. This year, I will not feel bad about.......

• Locking the door when I go the bathroom for privacy.
• Putting a cartoon on the TV for the kids so I can fix dinner in peace and quiet.
• Going out with a few friends for an evening without little people.
• Taking time to take care of myself both physically and mentally.
• Driving through McDonald's for Happy Meals instead of cooking.
• Hiring a babysitter so I can go to the store without tantrums.
• Dropping my daughter off in the carpool lane instead of walking her to class.
• Spending time with my husband with a child in sight.

But most of all I won't feel guilty for the little mistakes I make along my journey in parenthood. Because believe it or not, I am more than a mom - I am also human.

So this year, throw the expert advice out the window, enjoy your life as a parent, accept who you are and live a Year Without Guilt!

 

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 "Is that a Christmas card?" asked my five year old with great anticipation as it is her job to set out for display all such incoming holiday greetings. Amusingly enough, the card in question was not from family or friend, but was instead an advertisement from a global lingerie distributor - one with very few secrets from what I can tell. Darling hubby had thoughtfully placed the card in question in a position of prominence on our kitchen counter so I wouldn't inadvertently overlook the enclosed coupon. Enough said.

 

Trying to maintain some measure of dignity, I informed my impressionable daughter that no, this was not a card that needed to be displayed in our living room. But, as usual, my undernourished proper side was overwhelmed by my all-too-healthy wicked side and I couldn't resist asking if she thought we should send out a similar card.

"Oh no, Mommy, you can't do that! She's showing her belly button," protested my wise little angel.

Ah, the blessing of celebrating another December in the company of such innocence. There is simply no substitute for kids when sharing the joys of tree-trimming, present wrapping, or better yet unwrapping, and all the other little pieces and parts that makes each Christmas season so special.

I should come clean and admit that as a single adult I would hang a tree-shaped piece of green construction paper and call it good. What a Grinch! Of course, I blamed my meddlesome housecats as my handy excuse. They spent plenty of quality playtime suspended from the curtains, I saw no need to add another climbing structure to the room: especially one with tinsel, lights and other alluring feline delicacies.

One year my decorating resolve weakened and I was rewarded for my effort with months of vacuuming pine needles out of the shag rug and one whopper of a vet bill. Yup, you guessed it. The world's stupidest cat - truly no exaggeration - stripped the tree of a silken thread-wrapped ball, enjoyed her own private holiday feast, and was promptly rushed to the hospital for major abdominal surgery.

Alas, now that I have more kids than cats in my house, I was forced to embrace all manner of yuletide cheer and can honestly say that I am no longer the Scrooge of my youth.

Just recently, I was utterly charmed when my son announced that he had "this whole Santa Claus thing all figured out." In perfectly reasonable seven-year old logic he opined that Santa knew if you'd been bad or good because God passed along that information. He came to this conclusion, he said, by reciting for me the opening prayer read each week at our church, which states "Almighty God, unto whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hid..."

Surely no sticks and coal would ever be placed in the stocking of a child so precious. Nope, this year it's more like a heap of Legos for him and oodles of glitter pens and fancy paper for my daughter.

Now if I could just find that phone number for my, um, friend, Victoria: I could finish my shopping!

Laura Douglass writes for The Seven Lakes Times where this column originally appeared.

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"Whoever said you can't take it with you has never packed their car for vacation!"

Isn't that a great quote? Certainly prophetic of my own impending woes as I, once again, get ready to load down the family jalopy - this time around to see The Mouse.

While we aren't scheduled to leave until Saturday, I'll start packing suitcases on Tuesday: and that's just the clothes. I still have to stockpile the snack hoard and cooler cache, videos for the portable DVD player, extra film, batteries, and medicines. Oh, and don't forget spare pillows and towels, first aid kit, each kid's favorite blanket and toy...the list nears endless.

Why is it that I go into survivalist mode whenever we have to leave the house for more than twelve hours?

It's not like we're fleeing a hurricane and have to pack up our most precious belongings for a trip of indeterminate length. I mean really, I'm leaving the comfort of home for the comfort of a Disney hotel room: not exactly roughing it!

Though I guess in everything, one can always look back on this trip or that one when a little better planning could've saved the day.

Darling hubby and I had our own Donner Party-vacation moment during our honeymoon. While planning this romantic odyssey, for some reason, the province of Nova Scotia looked deceivingly compact, and populated, on the map.

Our arrival in Halifax, a wonderfully clean and modern city, was inauspicious enough but then we turned north. Once past the municipal limits, we crossed into no-man's land. I say ‘no man's' because that's what we saw; no man, no woman, no child, no gas, no grocery store, no restaurant.

When you read in a cultural tour guide that an area's population was greatly reduced after the fishing industry bust, trust me, take their word for it.

Our first night in the Great White North was spent in a race of time between locating the quiet, little lakefront cabin we had booked and finding something to eat other than leaves and twigs.

You see unlike our usual overstuffed car excursions, this trip we flew. Rules on luggage size and weight seem to have a profound limiting effect on one's typical packing habits.

So on that October eve, we drove for hours ever nearing our cabin destination with a few darkened houses for company but no real sign of civilization, meaning no food! It didn't help that we missed the end of the traditional tourist season by a month or two.

Behold, a light beckoned to us from out in the gloom. We couldn't believe our good fortune: a restaurant! And even more unbelievably, within a mile or - oops! kilometer or two of our nuptial bed.

Be thankful for small blessings. We surely were, as we had no choice but to become first name-friendly regulars at this establishment with the two or three other people touring Eastern Canada that week. The meals were delicious, but with no other dining option for a hundred kilometers in every direction, that hardly mattered.

The remainder of our honeymoon was fraught with other exciting adventures such as moose loitering in the road, desperately searching for Petrol and then trying to calculate liters versus gallon pricing, exploring the survival huts placed with alarming frequency along Nova Scotia's roads, and avoiding getting shot - who's bright idea was it to plan a hiking honeymoon during hunting season?

So this year as I set my sights on Florida, I hope those flying missiles sporting Canuck license plates charging down I-95 will forgive our sluggish, snack-laden, toy-burdened, jam-packed van as we too head out on vacation - this year in search of a mouse and not a moose!

Laura Douglass writes for the Seven Lakes Times where this column originally appeared.

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No one knows the art and finesse of planning birthday parties better than a mom. And in my generation's ever escalating quest to ensure our kids have a unique and special day, the process has become downright daunting.

If you think throwing a child's birthday includes blowing up a few balloons, lighting the candles, and sharing in song, well, let's just say you probably haven't spend much time lately in the Wal-Mart toy aisle either.  

Birthday parties have become competitive sport out here in Suburbia. And I, Douglass Family Team Captain, am surely headed for the play-offs in this race to nowhere.

I think it all started with my son's third birthday when a firefighter friend offered to bring the ‘real deal' right to our house. Nothingsays birthday like a massive fire engine terrifying the neighbors and crushing your landscaped driveway plantings.

As my children have reached each successive milestone, I have attempted to provide equally amazing thrills and chills. We've rescued stuffed animals from peril in the yard, blown up mountainous bouquets of pink balloons, and laid acres of train track throughout the house.

In my defense, I do eschew the glitzy store-bought cakes in favor of much simpler Mommy-made fare. Perhaps I feel compelled by the memory of my own mother's heroic effort to craft the fantasy castle cake featured on the cover of one of her massive cookbooks: I had begged for years. Truly, it was a work of art with chocolate bars for doors and a roofline turreted with mini-marshmallows.

This year - utterly swamped with life and laundry - my fabulous Mommy varnish was duly threatened as I was flat out stumped and the clock was ticking.

A moment of inspiration!

I was headed North, up yonder towards our county seat - getting ready to improve the view at a recent Board of Commissioners meeting - when I happened upon a most unusual storefront.

‘Wow,' I thought upon entering, ‘How little we chicks know about what you men-folks do during your off hours!'

I had discovered the underground world of outlaw slot-car racing. Eyeing up this hundred-foot long, eight-laned monster, the words couldn't tumble out of my mouth quick enough.

"Can I reserve THIS for a herd of seven year olds?"

To my surprise and enormous relief, the deal was sealed with only a fair hit to my purse. Hey, it's not as if hosting eight kids in my living room was going to be a picnic, right?

So once again I have kept my self-imposed birthday party ante. As my poker friends would say, "The pot is good."

I'm thinking come March, on the occasion of my daughter's next big day, I'll be forced to conjure something even more outstanding - like delivering fresh snow.

Good thing I've still got plenty of time to plan.

Laura Douglass writes for the Seven Lakes Times where this column originally appeared.

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I sense something new in the air, and to quote a dead rock star, "it smells like teen spirit."

Lately I have been surprisingly inspired by football - a sport I am not particularly fond of and generally avoid. Other than occasional Super Bowl parties with their lure of snacks, suds, and those million dollar commercials, I'll go years at a time having not watched a single game.

Sporting events on an average day mean one thing to me: time to take a nap. Hmm, since we're discussing football, perhaps I should rephrase that and say "time to take a down."

This year is different.

I was thrilled when Appalachian State capped their fifteen-game winning streak with their Cinderella story upset at Michigan. And no, I didn't actually watch any of their games. But I did read all about it.

Here in the Douglass encampment I have been following any and all news of Brian Leonard: the youthful running back for the St. Louis Rams. Leonard hails from the same thriving upstate New York metropolis, Gouverneur, population 7,000 [not including cows], that my darling hubby calls home.

Along with the denizens of this tiny slice of American dairy land, we have cheered Leonard's every success: in high school, college, and now the NFL. My in-laws, like other Gouverneur families, are planning their Fall vacation around the Rams season schedule: this after four years of vacationing to New Jersey for Rutgers University games.

And now each and every day, it seems, I hear another good thing about Moore County's own new superhero - Chris Metzger.

In just a few short months, Coach Metzger revived the flagging football program at Pinecrest High School from a team whose very existence was on the budget chopping block, just a year ago, to a reckoning force of strength and talent.

Equally impressive is how Metzger stretches that energy well beyond the visible varsity squad, illustrated beautifully when he included over 300 students in a recent junior varsity pre-game event. The undefeated JV team emerged onto the gridiron to join with over 150 middle school-aged and freshman football players. Also on the field were the school's marching band, color guard, and cheerleaders. Even for a disinterested non-fan, like me, football is starting to shine.

I will go out on a limb and suggest that my disdain for all things pigskin is securely underpinned by my complete and utter ignorance of the rules and strategies of the sport. I ask you, what woman - other than Condoleezza Rice - really does get it?

A childhood spent living abroad and attending eight schools in twelve years, a modest statistic among military brats, surely stunted my interest in team sports and certainly did not allow time to develop school spirit. That said, I always coveted the sense of ownership and excitement felt by locals when their team or athlete does well.

Having kept residence in the Sandhills now for over five years - a new lifetime record - I find myself, for perhaps the very first time, sharing in that hometown pride. So today, here and now, I vow to uphold the timeless American tradition of cheering on my very own local high school football team. Go Patriots!

Laura Douglass writes for the Seven Lakes Times where this column originally appeared.

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I have a confession to make: despite coming of age during a rather enlightened and liberated period in human history, I have allowed many traditional gender roles to creep into my life. You know, he earns the bacon and I fry it up in the pan, that sort of thing. However, it's not the frying pan that I'm afraid of - it's the gas grill.

Yes, that hulking chunk of stainless steel with its menacing propane tank, various dials, extra burners, and spider web-laced rain cover is what strikes fear in my heart. There is something quite sinister and flammable about the whole affair.

I'm not sure when this grill-phobia began; I expect early in life with repeated harsh admonishments at cook-outs to give the hot coals a wide berth. Perhaps it stems from watching male relatives saturate stacked charcoal briquettes with enough lighter fluid to send flames shooting skyward like fireworks, blackening the leafy canopy of less fortunately positioned trees. Or maybe it's because despite the many safety features installed on our own silver monster, my dear husband still managed to singe our son's eyebrows off one day as our erstwhile tot stood to close while Daddy used the self-ignite button.

No doubt about it, grilling falls within the masculine sphere of household chores. On many a fine summer day, we ladies watch in wonder and alarm as members of the Y-chromosome persuasion take to the deck or patio to incinerate the family meal: the meaty portion anyway.

My husband exudes confidence no matter the challenge; fish, chicken, or steak. Of course, his self-empowerment is fortified by cracking open a bottle of frosty courage and only then  daring to scrape the charred remains off the grate - evidence of past culinary crimes.

I expect I am not the only member of the smarter, oops, I meant softer sex who finds one pressing reason or another to cower behind the fridge door while hubby fires up the coals, or, worse, flips open the fuel tank. My throat tightens when I hear that ‘tick, tick, tick' sound as gas floods the belly of the beast. I know that it will be soon followed by the terrifying ‘Whump!' of combustion.

Once I'm reasonably sure that the yard and /or the children have not been set ablaze, only then do I emerge from the kitchen bearing a platter piled high with some variety of raw carnivorous delight. As if enacting an idyllic scene conjured by Rockwell, I lovingly hand over the plate and thus the task of preparing dinner.

Perhaps, to appeal to modern sensibilities it would be better to frame this transition of nutritional servitude to the context of television, say CSI. Only this program's acronym would stand for Cuisine Sparks Indigestion - Special Vittles Unit.

Tune in on Sunday's, we're on at five o'clock sharp.

Laura Douglass writes for the Seven Lakes Times, where this column originally appeared.

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On occasion, I'll leave my comfort zone of home, hearth, and keyboard for a little culture. Last Friday was just such an evening, as I ventured into town for dinner and to see Angelina Jolie's much-anticipated, or at least mass media-saturated movie, A Mighty Heart.

Trying to avoid the crushing Women's Open dinner crowd, my friend and I opted for burritos. We picked a rather rowdy bunch -- the servers not the burritos -- as the staff insisted on hollering greetings to every person entering said establishment. After gorging on a traditional fare of rice, beans, and cerveza, we headed over to the theater.

While Jolie may be the film's name of marquee consequence, indeed, the real star is the city of Karachi, Pakistan. From the opening sequence showing this vibrant, writhing sea of people and vehicles, each city scene was overwhelming in its chaos. At times, it reminded me of the streets of my former domicile, Washington, D.C. on a Fourth of July holiday. Dupont Circle in particular was always a steaming cauldron of taxis, pedestrians, road rage, and poor municipal planning.

Of course, Karachi notwithstanding, this is a serious film dealing with tragic circumstances involving the lives of two outstanding journalists.

Daniel Pearl worked for the Wall Street Journal: his wife, Mariane for French radio. I, on the other hand, serve here in the mostly peaceful - read, it's not election season - Sandhills.

My kids seem proud, however, of my modest literary achievements. Last week, they were delighted to discover that they could flatten Silly Putty over my column photograph and reproduce my sunny visage. Once my head had been suitably stretched to absurd proportions, they would giddily squash me and start anew.

For some reason, I don't think I'll include this on my resume: though it does lend some credence to the newspaper cliché of being an ink-stained wretch.

Now to be frank, though I consume plenty of print material, my sphere of influence does not usually include Wall Street's elite reporters' take on world-view topics. Worse, the preferred national news source in my home is The Daily Show, which tells you a lot about my satirical bias and distrust of the government machine - a side effect from living too close to the epicenter. I think it's probably like sitting in the sunshine: seems innocent enough at first but before you know it you're scorched.

I think I'll send Jolie a letter suggesting that her next foreign adoption should be from that most alien place, the District of Columbia. Maybe she'll write back and advise me how I can convince my kids that the hours Mommy spends sitting in front of the computer, wearing her pajamas, is actually work. I'll return the favor and send her offspring some Silly Putty.

Laura Douglass writes for the Seven Lakes Times, where this column originally appeared.

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