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Description: I have been coaching couples to stepfamily success for the last three years. My passion in life is to help others and my specific passion is to help others survive their stepfamilies and avoid a second divorce! |
31 Oct, 2008
A Brave New World for Kids Living in Step
Managing shared custody is the single most problematic issue brought to me by couples I coach. Allow me to introduce THE SOLUTION to all of our problems in this area! The following program description is written by it's creator:
Coping with an ex-spouse after divorce is often difficult. Adding shared custody of children to the equation can further complicate an already stressful situation; for parents, stepparents and children alike.
Conflicts between co-parents are most often the result of a break down in communication, misunderstandings; misrepresentations and 'forced' face-to-face confrontations. Much of this can be overcome, if not entirely eliminated, through the use of a program called ShareKids.com, specifically designed to assist parents with shared child custody management.
Safer than on-line banking, ShareKids.com provides a secure, internet based centralized data repository accessible only to authorized account members through three levels of security.
The program provides the infrastructure for managing information such as messaging and correspondence; appointments; events and activities; school information, class schedules and homework assignments; financial accounting for shared expenses and child/spousal support; medical insurance, medication schedules and prescription tracking; personal contacts (address books); rules (agreements or court orders); a certified un- changeable personal diary/incident log; photo albums; color coded shared custody and visitation schedules and much more.
Information such as events, contacts and photo albums may be marked as 'private', only to be viewed by the creator -or 'shared' so other account members may also view the information.
ShareKids.com also incorporates a global comprehensive 'Permissions' component to individually manage each account members' information viewing and editing privileges.
Countless parenting coordinators, mediators, guardian ad-litems and counselors are recommending the program as it provides a means to easily and remotely monitor their clients' communications and correspondence. More and more family courts are ordering parents to use ShareKids as they realize the positive effect the program can have on children usually caught in the middle of conflicting parents, and because it reduces the Family Court case load.
ShareKids currently serves clients in all 50 states, Washinton D.C. and 20 other countries. The program is also utilized by many happily married families and military personnel due to its intuitive and easy to use family management, accounting, documenting, tracking and secure information sharing capabilities.
Evolving from educational and child care management software developed by the author in the early 80's, the ShareKids program continues to mature as new features are added regularly in response to specific requests and requirements of their clients.
20 Aug, 2008
They're Different, Get Over It!
Acknowledging the differences between a biological family and a stepfamily is the first step in facing reality and building a truly happy family.
The Biological Family:
- Related by blood, created by marriage, often followed by a baby.
- Discipline evolves and form & norms are consistent.
- Parents' ways are predictable to the child.
- Parents back each other up.
- Parents demand respect for the other parent.
- Child wants to please both.
- Child is bonded to both partners.
- Family members' reactions are predictable.
- Ugly fairy tales do not exist.
- Competition is generally healthy.
The Stepfamily:
- Related by marriage or living together. Formed out of first family break up and created out of the loss of the first family.
- Little or no time for development of forms and norms and often no organized plan to make them.
- Different backgrounds, ways of being and seeing the world can cause conflict.
- "Who comes first--me or your child?" The new partner implores.
- Partners DO NOT generally agree on discipline and expected behaviors.
- The biological parent may side with the child over the partner.
- The child often wants the stepparent to disappear
- Unexpected reactions that jolt are normal.
- Expectations turn out to be unreal and ugly fairy tales prevail.
- Competition for attention can be dangerous to survival.
| Just as it is clear that a stepfamily does not become a "real" family by calling it something other than step, the word should not be considered negative--it's just the plain truth! It's a description, not a bad name. After my stepson and I had lived together for a couple of years we used the term playfully. When telling a person outside our family a story about Nick, I would refer to him as "the evil stepson" with a wink. I was never his mother, I was his stepmother and that was a fact of life! Cinderella probably did a lot of damage to the image of stepmother, among other myths and misunderstandings that surround step relationships. |
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01 Aug, 2008
Ingredients For Step Family Success
When the new stepfamily is formed, those members don't have a shared history or traditional way of doing things. Each person may have very different beliefs as a matter of fact. In addition, the newly married parents may not have had much time to adjust to their own new relationship. The children of stepfamilies are facing probable feelings of loss, anger, jealousy, guilt, and certain confusion over how to handle the complicated adjustments that are needed.
So, what are some concrete steps we can take to start this new family growing in the direction of making it's own traditions at the same time it is adjusting to the newness? In order for the members of this family to build bonds, or grow strong roots, the following actions will be the fertilizer that works on that growth:
- acknowledging and mourning the kids' losses
- developing new skills in making decisions as a family
- fostering and strengthening new relationships between parents, stepparent/stepchild, and stepsiblings
- supporting one another
- maintaining and nurturing original parent-child relationships
- Always remember that each ingredient does not have an immediate effect. Have patience, this takes time!
21 Jul, 2008
It Was Them Against Me!
One day, long after my youngest stepson (Nick) had finished high school and was out of the house, I found out when it really became them against me!
Back in Nick's junior year in high school, he came downstairs dressed in a suit and tie for school. When I asked him what in the world was going on with that, he told me that his shop class was having a photo taken for the yearbook. He went off to school, as did my other kids, and I really never thought about that morning again.
Several years later, my eldest daughter and I were having an experience which involved her driving my car with me as a passenger while she had her learners permit, and she got pulled over by a policeman for running a yellow light. He let her off with a warning, and as we drove towards home, I commented that I was really surprised that Nick made it through his whole beginner driving experience without ever having gotten a traffic ticket.
That was when my daughter smirked and said: "Well, Mom, that's not exactly true!" She went on to ask if I remembered the day that Nick went to school in a suit and tie. She then revealed the true story about that day.
Nick had gotten a speeding ticket on the way home from school one day while driving his truck a little too fast. Trying to avoid being punished by parents as well as the law, he (with my daughters/his stepsisters' help) came up with the class photo story. Then he went to court instead of school that day, paid the fine for his ticket, came home at the usual time after school and I was none the wiser!
The fact that all of that deception went on, and that he had broken the law as well as having skipped school and gotten away with it, was amazing and shocking. But the strongest feeling that rose up in me was not anger, but extreme satisfaction. After years of the big stepbrother being against my biological daughters, those same kids stuck together and turned against me! Hallelujah! My kids, biological and step had bonded into regular siblings without me even knowing!
23 Jun, 2008
Missing The Bus
Consistency and understanding......that is what you need to be a successful parent. Over, and over, and over again! That is what works for stepchildren as well as your biological children. Treating everyone the same with the same age-appropriate rules will win you respect in the end. Just know that the end could be five years out.
The way my youngest stepson finally came to love and respect me as his stepmother, was through all of the "trying" experiences we had.
One of the first times my stepson tested my word and consistency was over catching the school bus. Nick was NOT a morning person and that made getting up in time for high school in the morning a problem. Myself having lunches to pack, and two other kids who were already responsible for getting themselves up, Nick was fully aware of my expectations. When he missed the bus the first time, I informed him that I would drive him to school that one time, and one time only!
Just a couple of weeks later on another early school morning, I could tell Nick was going to miss the bus if he didn't move a lot faster and told him so. I left it at that and went about my business. Sure enough, Nick came to me with a sorrowful look on his face saying that he had missed the bus. I said, "You had better get your rollerblades on then or you will also be late for class!" Nick was incredulous and asked if I was sure I could not take him to school. I told him that he got his one and only ride the first time he missed the bus so he better get a move on. His next excuse was that he was going to be all sweaty if he had to blade all the way to school (about 4 miles), and I told him to take an extra shirt. When next I saw him, he was sitting on the curb in front of our house lacing his skates up, shirt off, back pack at the ready and I watched him skate off down the road with a smile on my face.