It seems that every "mom" website you go to or news about families is always focused on how we as women can be better mothers to our children and more efficient. I recently saw an article on MSN.com title "50 tips to for moms" dedicated to keeping us moms more organized and better at managing our families. Somehow, we as moms have bought into this idea that we aren't good enough as we are and we somehow need to improve ourselves in order to be quality parents.

For many years, I bought into the hype surrounding motherhood. I read books on how to be a "good" mom, join the "best" mom groups and watch parenting experts on TV all in an effort to be the "perfect" mom. Instead of being supermom, I was the just "good enough" mom who was slightly overweight, frazzled and usually sleep deprived. What I soon realized was that I was a "normal" mom and the "perfect" mom for my family with all of my quirks and flaws.

As a result of this new found realization, I gave up reading parenting books and comparing myself to other moms. I stopped trying to find ways to be the "best" and accepted "good enough". What I have learned is that even those "perfect" moms have their flaws they just may not be as obvious as some of mine.

But most of all, I gave up "MOM GUILT". I made a conscious decision to no longer feel bad about myself as a parent or for taking time to sometimes step away from being just mom and enjoy being "Rollie" for awhile. And this year, I took it a step further and decided to live a Year Without Guilt.

So what does that mean? Well, simply put, I will not allow Guilt to be my guide in 2008. This year, I will not feel bad about.......

• Locking the door when I go the bathroom for privacy.
• Putting a cartoon on the TV for the kids so I can fix dinner in peace and quiet.
• Going out with a few friends for an evening without little people.
• Taking time to take care of myself both physically and mentally.
• Driving through McDonald's for Happy Meals instead of cooking.
• Hiring a babysitter so I can go to the store without tantrums.
• Dropping my daughter off in the carpool lane instead of walking her to class.
• Spending time with my husband with a child in sight.

But most of all I won't feel guilty for the little mistakes I make along my journey in parenthood. Because believe it or not, I am more than a mom - I am also human.

So this year, throw the expert advice out the window, enjoy your life as a parent, accept who you are and live a Year Without Guilt!

 

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I wanted to post today about the acronym ADD/ADHD.

Since I am in the business of speaking with and working with families who have children with special needs, I see it far to often. You have seen it and may have even done it. A parent says that their chid has ADHD and eyes roll. WHY?

Many people, especialy those with children, feel that many parents use that acronym as an excuse. An excuse to put their kids on drugs because they can't control them. Some may have. But for the most part, not so true. Because of the chastizing that the general public displays about ADHD, many parents feel reluctant to say that their child has it, closing themselves off from needed support.

We have 3 children, 2 of which have a special need.

Our second child has Autism, diagnosed 4 years ago. He is moderately autistic, borderline severe. At almost 8 years old he is cognitively 2 or 3. However he is very smart and now has developed a sense of humor. He makes us laugh everyday. He has a severe speech delay and his potty training is coming along well. He walks on his toes almost exclusively and he chews everything. He goes through a lot of shirts. But aside from those autism things, for us his biggest issue is tantrums. Coming out of the blue and lasting for long peroids of time, until exhaustion. So you'd think I have a good understanding about "special needs."

Our oldest, 12 in June,  has always been difficult, moody and never thought about anything before she acted or spoke. I was having to keep on her daily about everything. I describe her brain as a hamster on a wheel. Constantly going, thinking, doing. She's a good kid. Very thoughtful of others. But all of her actions were holding her back. Her grades were slipping and the teachers were nearly fed up with her.

Still, even then, I was one of those judgemental people. I too rolled my eyes. But something was going on. It was time time that open my mind and look into the possibilites that was a reason.

She was diagnosed with ADD last year. I actually felt relieved to know that there was a reason why she would spend 10 minutes in the bathroom "brushing her teeth", only to find that she had not even turned the water on yet. Or why she had forgotten that she knew how to spell words she learned the year before.  

Yes she is on a medication. I am thankful for that because it has helped her tremendously. She is now an honor student. For her, the medication as given her the ability to think clearly, allowing herself to use her common sense. I am very proud of all of the hard work she has done!

I say ADD is a special need.  Some may not believe so because she is not in a wheel chair or because she is in an age appropriate class and it certainly is not autism. I am here to tell you that it is a special need. We spend as much time and energy with her as we do my autistic child. We still have to keep on her about getting her homework done or "yes you have wear your coat because it is 29 degrees outside."

Had I kept my mind closed to that diagnosis, my daughter for sure would not be doing as well as she is today.

I hope that I have given those who roll their eyes, another perspective. Please do not be so quick to judge, and ask if there is anything that you can do to help.

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I think it's the little things that get us through the day.  As moms, sometimes we forget about the little things and their significance. 
Who doesn't smile when you see your child's face light up when you get them out of bed each morning? 
What is sweeter than having your child (especially a sweet-smelling baby!) snuggle on your chest or lap and fall asleep? 
Who doesn't melt all over again when your significant other gives the kids a bath because he knows you've had a hard day?
It's the little things that make life worth living. 
What's a little thing that makes you smile?

www.sandhillsmommies.com

I went to the Friday night speaking engagement and I really enjoyed hearing Mr. Rosemond.  I found it really refreshing to hear someone say that I did not have to be so involved in my child's life in order to be a good parent and to set a good example for my daughters.  I often get caught in the trap of feeling guilty all the time because I work and go to school and I do not volunteer at my daughter's schools like many other parents do.  I try to know what is going on in their lives, but I am invariably shown up by many stay-at-home moms.  Don't get me wrong, I am all for being a stay-at-home mom.  I try not particpate in the "mommy wars".  It was refreshing to hear Mr. Rosemond tell us that we do not have to be so much of a part of our children's lives and that it is time for us to make them accountable for their own actions.  I love my children and I love spending time with them, but I also love my own life with personal interests, job and school and I feel like we need to remember that they are not everything we live for.  I think if we treat them as if they are everything we live for, we put an undue amount of pressure on them and make our own happiness their responsibility.  What I am saying might sound like sacriledge to many moms, but I actually enjoy working part of the day without my kids being there and talking about adult things and stimulating my mind.  For me, it keeps me sane and recharged and better equipped to deal with my husband and children. 

 I especially liked what he said about the husband and wife relationship and how that should be the highest priority and that the children should respect that.  I remember as a child knowing that my parents had a life other than me.  They generally left me responsible for many things on my own.  I would spend whole days in the yard until dinnertime, and like Mr. Rosemond said, we weren't allowed back in until then unless we broke a bone or were sick.  I think that many kids today don't have that kind of personal freedom because they are so sheltered and worried over and expected to achieve academically at astronomical rates.  It was also wonderful to hear that parenting should be a joint venture and that the responsibility is not all ours.  I usually bear most of the responsibility for parenting decisions and action because it seems like that is what is expected of us. 

I know that the world is a different place than what we or our parents grew up in, and I think that we really can't let our children have as much time outside alone or trust them to ride their bikes too far without keeping an eye on them.  But I think we can let them be responsible for their actions and let them make decisions.       

 So, starting today, I am going to relax.  I am not going to worry about whether or not my kids are doing enough afterschool activities.  I am going to stop freaking out about whether or not my children are the smartest they can be, and if I should hire a tutor so they can get ahead, or feel less than because someone else's kids are reading at a higher level than my child, or worry because India just did not like chess.  These might not be things that some of you moms worry about, but these are things that I have worried about incessantly.  I am not going to feel guilty and I am going to start paying more attention to my husband.  :)) 

My husband came with me to hear Mr. Rosemond and he really enjoyed what he said also.  We went out to dinner afterwards and talked for a while about things we needed to change and how we don't really spend enough time on us like we should.

 Thank you John Rosemond for the fresh advice and a point of view shift that I think many of us desperately needed.  

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So, while I was in the hospital this week for some surgery, the "boy" came home with his report card.  To my shock and happiness he did better.  Went up in Math and Reading.  I do not know how, but I am thrilled.  He has been working harder, I know.  And I guess it shows.  He is in 4th grade and it was not what we expected.  It is much harder.  Hope next semester is just as good.  (But I will pray for better!)

Today at sandhillsmommies.com we are talking about embarrassing moments and ways our kids have embarrassed us by what they have said.
Here's my story:
One day, when taking my kids to the doctor for a quick shotfor my son, we didn't have time to eat breakfast before we went.  I told Caroline we would go to Hardee's after the dr.  However, when the nurse asked how she was doing, Caroline said, "I'm so hungry.  We didn't have any food this morning.  Do you have anything I can eat."  I was mortified!  I explained how we were in a hurry and didn't have time for breakfast.  The nurse nodded.  I really hoped she believed me!

I heard a story recently that I thought I should share with everyone because it reminded me, as a parent, to trust my instincts when it comes to my children. 

One of my fellow classmates told this story to the class Thursday night.  Her son is eighteen months and she takes him to a group practice of several pediatricians, much like Sandhills Pediatrics here in Southern Pines.  She usually sees the same doctor, but for her son's most recent visit, they scheduled her with a different doctor, very early in the a.m.  She had to take him that morning without much breakfast, because he wasn't used to eating so early.  During the doctor's visit, her son started getting irritated and was somewhat unresponsive during the visit because he started to get hungry.  My friend said that the doctor started asking her all sorts of questions and in the span of 15 minutes with her son, he suggested that he be tested for autism.  My friend was understandably upset, and tried to explain to the doctor that he had not had his full breakfast yet and that he gets like this when he is hungry.  The doctor insisted and told her he would have someone come to her house to do a complete round of tests.  She left the doctor's office and wondered what she should do.  She started calling her son's preschool teachers and babysitter and anyone who has frequent contact with her son.  They all reported that he had never shown any indication of autism or continuous unresponsive behavior at school.  She made an appointment to see her regular pediatrician.  This doctor did not agree with the tentative diagnosis of autism.  

My point is, if she was not the kind of mother that questioned doctors or anyone else that had ideas about her son, she might have gone along with the testing and been in a different situation.  I know that there are many parents out there struggling with children with autism, and my hat goes off to all of them.  However, this doctor's quick jump to assume autism worries me.  Diagnosis of autism has increased exponentially in the past decade.  The autism spectrum is getting wider and wider.  Just remember.  You know your child.  Get a second opinion and trust your instincts.  Many times, your advice is the best advice.

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We are having a blast talking about the goings-on when we were in High School. 
We're talking about styles that were popular then and what we watched on TV and in the movie theater. 
We're talking about our most serious boyfriend back then.  Boy does that stir some emotions!
We're talking about what we think our kids will like in High School based on their interests and talents now. 
We wonder if anyone else had names picked out for their future children in High School.  I knew after reading Edith Hamilton's Mythology that I wanted to name my kids after Greek gods and goddesses.  I chickened out when it came down to it, though. :-)
We're talking about our life plans.  It's funny to think about what we wanted out of life back then, then to look at what we have now. 

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  THREE BLOOD TYPES AT LESS THAN A DAY'S SUPPLY

Red Cross Asks Donors to Donate Now

(Southern Pines) - Two weeks into the new year, the American Red Cross faces a severe shortage of several blood types.  Locally, supplies of type O negative, B negative and A negative blood are at less than a day's supply despite repeated calls to donors to give blood over the past month.

The Red Cross is asking blood donors to donate immediately to prevent supply levels from dropping even further in the coming days and weeks. 

While all blood types are needed, the low supply of type O blood is of particular concern.  Type O is the most commonly used blood type.  O negative blood can be used for all patients, but it is often essential to the treatment of trauma patients, newborns and women who are pregnant.

Blood drives are scheduled at various times and locations across the area. 

Wednesday, Jan. 16th, 10am - 3 pm - Sandhills Communtiy College @ Blue Hall

Tuesday, Jan. 22nd, 1:30pm - 6pm - Moore Co. Red Cross Office @ 244 SW Broad St.

Thursday, Jan. 24th, 10am - 2:30pm - FirstHealth Center for Health & Fitness

 Wednesday, Jan. 30th, 1:30pm - 6pm - Emmanuel Episcopal Church @ Corner of E. Mass. Ave. & So. Ridge St.          

Donors are asked to call the Moore County Chapter at 910-692-8571 to schedule an appointment. The Carolinas Blood Services Region needs 1,600 blood donations a day in order to adequately supply the 103 hospitals it serves.  Donors must be age 17 or older and weigh at least 110 pounds.

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If you've read the Pilot in the past week, then you've certainly seen the photo of the young girl holding a hunting rifle on the front page. The little girl in the photo known as "The Little Hunter" is a Girl Scout in my Brownie Troop. She is a great child and I look forward to seeing her at our meetings.

What you may not realize is that her parents have taken a lot of heat about letting their daughter hunt. I don't know that they would have let the paper cover the story if they would have known that they would become the target of dozens of nasty phone calls and letters to the editor.

(Here's the article if you haven't read it - http://www.thepilot.com/stories/20080109/news/local/20080109HUNTER.html)

Personally, I think Emma's passion for hunting is wonderful. It is something she does with her father and thoroughly enjoys. She is not focused on the dark aspects of hunting (like killing, butchering, etc) but on the sport on it. She loves sitting in the woods quietly, watching the animals and observing nature. She also enjoys being a good marksman which I think is very empowering for a young girl.

My husband is a hunter. He grew up in the woods of Arkansas and got his first rifle at ten. For me, that's a foreign concept having grown up in a house with no guns. However, since I married a man from the country I also accepted that hunting would be a part of our life as well as our childrens. And although I have no interest in sitting in the dark, cold woods on a chilly November morning, I totally support his desire to do it and hope that at least one of our daughters shares his passion.

So, here's my letter to the editor just in case it doesn't make the cut!

Congrats to Emma! 

When I say the article about Emma, the little hunter, I couldn't help but smile. You see, Emma, is one on my Girl Scouts and an absolute joy to be around. She is smart, compassionate and always grinning. So, you can image my surprise when I saw all the negative letters to the editor.

First of all, her parents are loving, caring and very involved in every aspect of her life. Her father is also a Detective for the Aberdeen Police Department who has personally come and spoke to our Girl Scout Troop as well as supported our other projects. To suggest that her parents are irresponsible in any way when it comes to Emma's desire to hunt is truly unjustified.

As far as Emma and her comment about loving to kill animals, let's remember that the statement was made by a six year old. Emma doesn't love to hurt animals but she does love to hunt and there is a difference. Even at six, she understands what it means to hunt and the responsibilities that come with the sport. Emma's passion to hunt comes from her desire to spend time with her father, whom she adores.

When Emma announced to her Girl Scout Troop that she had shot her first deer, they were excited for her and even more thrilled when they saw her photo in the paper. Although not every child felt like hunting was something they wanted to do, they supported Emma's choice and were quick to congratulate her. In fact, my co-leader and I were so impressed that we presented her with a "Deer Hunting" patch that she proudly displays on the back of her brownie uniform. (FYI, the Boy Scouts give out hunting patches too.)

So kuddos to Emma for bagging her first buck!

Sincerely,
Rollie Sampson
GS Leader - Troop 1230

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